Sometimes I think that we have as little control over who our best friends are as we do over the people with whom we fall in love. There are a lot of adages that talk about picking friends, like, "Friends are the family you choose" and the ever popular, "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose..." but when it comes down to it, do we really choose our friends?
On a whim, I decided to pick up the book Something Borrowed at the grocery store a few weeks ago. The trailer for the movie looked good and I was bored during my lunch hour, so I spent the $7.99 on something that would last me longer than a copy of Us Weekly and probably be at least slightly more interesting. If you've seen the promos for the movie, you know that the story is about a woman who falls in love with her best friend's fiance. The two women, despite the fact that they are best friends, could not be more different. Their friendship originated out of geography--they grew up on the same street. There are many times (in the book at least, because I haven't seen the movie) when the main character talks about how despite all of her friend's faults, she couldn't really stop being friends with her if she tried. They are inextricably linked. They didn't really choose the friendship; the friendship chose them.
While we are not born with a biological link to our best friends, we don't pick them out of a catalog either. Sometimes we meet them when we're young and despite the lack of biology involved, they seem as integral to our lives and to who we are as our family does. We've known them for so long that we can't remember a time when they weren't there. We would do anything for them, beat down anyone who tried to mess with them. We mourn their losses and rejoice in their triumphs. They aren't like family--they are family.
Sometimes we meet our best friends at school, at work, through a mutual acquaintance, on a sports team, or in some other group activity. We get to talking with them and we see something that makes us want to know more--a shared interest, a similar belief system, a compatible sense of humor. We hang out a few times and the conversations become less trivial, more meaningful. Then one day, like the first exchange of I-love-you's between people in a relationship, we throw down the title: "You're my best friend."
Yesterday, I had a difficult conversation with someone who was considering "breaking up" with their best friend over this classic situation: I like this person, my best friend likes this person, my best friend knows I like this person, my best friend has decided to pursue and now date this person anyway. It's against the girlfriend code, it's against the bro-code, it's against everybody's code--it's just not a cool thing.
I've been in this situation--twice. I was seeing a guy and then before I even knew that it was completely over, I found out that he had started seeing my best friend. The thing is that the way I felt about the guy was the secondary issue. The harder relationship to lose was the one with my best friend. It was absolutely devastating. In both cases, I ended up staying friends with the girl. There was a lot of crying, a lot of bad times that we had to go through first, but in the end, we were still friends. Right or wrong, I couldn't let them go.
Most of my best friendships that have ended have been as a result of distance, time, growing up and growing apart. A lot of these people get relegated to the category of "old friends" which is a really wonderful relationship. The relationship you have with the person who isn't your best friend anymore but is still your friend is kind of amazing. It's the healthiest relationship you'll ever have. In that relationship, if you've kept in touch, you get all the benefits of memories and the history and the comfort level without having to deal with the drama or the responsibility. And if you don't think there is a certain level of responsibility that you owe to your best friend, ask yourself if you've ever had this conversation: "Come on. You're my best friend. You gotta do this for me." Yeah.
Fighting with your best friend is one of the most awful things, especially if it's a serious fight, because the one person you really want to talk to about how awful you feel is not an option. I've only ever had one best friendship that really ended, and I mean ENDED in a huge fireball of awfulness. That was one of the worst heartbreaks I've ever experienced.
I was watching Khloe and Lamar this morning (the Kardashians and all of their reality TV drama are one of my guilty pleasures). As I was watching Khloe and her best friend fighting with each other and crying, I just couldn't help but marvel at how complicated friendships can be. Being someone's best friend, like being in a relationship, is about two people. And people are friggen complicated.
You do have control over the people in your life with whom you associate, but associating with someone is not the same thing as being someone's best friend. I have had a lot of conversations with people (and been on both sides of the conversation) that went like this: "So-and-so is driving me crazy, but wtf am I gonna do, (s)he's my best friend."
The truth is that our best friends are not always the best people that we know. We may have other friends that treat us better, that are more consistent, that are more dependable. But the connection isn't there. We fall in friendship-love with Judas, baby. We just can't help it.
Some of us are lucky enough to have the kind of best friend that is the best person that we know. Not only are they the person who comes over in the middle of the night when we have a crisis and need a shoulder to cry on, but they are also the person who never cancels plans at the last minute, who comes to all of our games or concerts or speeches or whatever it is that is important to us, and who doesn't think it's better to ask forgiveness than permission.
For better or for worse, our best friends are our best friends. Most of the time, we couldn't change it if we wanted to.
